What Am I Doing Now?! |
Editor Reel |
Articles About Me | Resumes |
Photo Album | Interviews
| First Feature Film
|
|
|
|
Relationships & Sex
Everyone wants to be touched. There is no escaping it. If a newborn baby is left alone right after birth, and then later startled, it will automatically reach up for someone to hold it. This action hasn’t been learned, it is apart of its instincts.
A sadder fact is that if a human baby isn’t touched, it will die. It seems that a baby’s body has an auto self-destruct mechanism. If it isn’t touched by another living creature for about 2 weeks, no matter whether it’s feed or not, it will self-destruct. The other side of the coin is that the more touching and stimulation the baby receives by age two, the smarter the baby will become.
When another human being touches us we get a shot of feel good juice called Serotonin. This is the main feel good juice of the body. When your mother hugs you because she is proud of you, you get a shot. When you get a good grade in school and you feel proud of yourself, you get a shot. When you do something nice for someone, you get a shot. This is as true for a newborn baby boy as it is for a 90-year-old woman. This is the way a human body is wired.
Now let’s jump ahead 11 or 12 years. Up until this point things have been pretty consistent when it comes to the human body. But at this point a new seasoning is added to your food. Before there was only salt, now something is slowly increasing the amount of pepper and you don’t know what to make of it. The pepper adds a kick of flavor to your food while it burns your mouth. And worse of all, you don’t have any control of it. You don’t know whether it will continue or abruptly stop. And the constant burning is making you grumpy. That’s a very reasonable response. Anyone would react in exactly the same way if something uncontrollable were happening to them.
Among the chemicals flooded into a boy and girl’s body at this age are Testosterone and Estrogen. Boys get more testosterone and girls get more estrogen, but each sex also receives the other hormone. The hormones are introduced to allow that boy or girl to reproduce. There is, however, one major side affect. These hormones make certain parts of the body much more sensitive.
The most sensitive parts of the human’s body, no matter what the age, are the fingertips, the lips, the nipples and the genitals. When the body is flooded with either testosterone or estrogen, no matter what the age or sex, the lips, nipples and genitals become more sensitive to touch. What this means is that once your body is flooded with hormones, you get a even larger shot of feel good juice when you touch these part. What is a 13 year old to do?
How the Body Works at 13Did you ever notice what happens to you when you eat a candy bar or something super sweet? You suddenly feel like you have more energy. It’s because of the sugar. If you were hungry before you ate it, you may have felt tired or a little miserable. But once you’ve eaten something super sweet, you feel like walking around, playing a video game or calling a friend. The sugar changes the way that you think.
A lot of sugar right before you go to bed may make you decide that you don’t want to go to bed. A lot of sugar before you start to study may make you decide to do something else because you can’t sit still. A lot of sugar can make you decide that you want to go outside; even if it is better that you stay in the house. This is true for everyone no matter what his or her age.
Testosterone and estrogen also have an effect on our decision making process. Estrogen, at levels that a 20 or 30 year old woman has, makes a woman feel desirable and more emotionally in touch with the people and situations around her. It helps a woman’s mind remain sharp, and adds to her feeling of alertness.
Estrogen at the levels necessary to make a female body able to reproduce has a different effect. A 13-year-old girl’s level of estrogen makes a person extra sensitive to the emotions of the people and situations around them. The extra sensitivity often leads to more expressions of emotion than a few years earlier. She also experiences an irritability that is partially due to the large amount of chemicals circulating through her body and partially due to the lack of control she feels over her life because of her constantly changing levels of estrogen.
Testosterone at the levels in a 20 or 30-year-old man makes a man mentally alert, positive about life and aggressive about what they want. A 13-year-old boy’s level of testosterone makes a person on edge and much more physically aggressive than a few years earlier. This level of testosterone also makes a person much more likely to loose their temper and act in a violent manner. Like in the pepper analogy the rush of chemicals cause some of that irritability and the rest is caused by the lack of control over what is happening in your life.
Just like how the affect of super sweet foods go away, so does the effect of these hormones. You are not an angry, violent, irritable or overly sensitive person. You are responding like anyone would with that level of those chemicals flowing through your body. In fact, you are responding exactly like bodybuilders who take steroids and adults who are forced to increase their levels of estrogen. You are the person that you were before the flood of chemicals and when the chemicals level off in your 20’s.
You are not the mood swings or insecurities. The mood swings are caused because of the chemicals and the insecurities come from not knowing how the physical changes will affect your life. Anyone would feel insecure if they had to constantly think about whether or not their breast or penis size will negatively affect the rest of their life; whether their nipples will be seen through their shirt; whether they will have an erection when asked to write on the board; whether a heavy flow period will lead to spoting; or whether a girl might ask you to something personal that you don’t know how to do.
Adults are more secure about themselves, but they don’t have to think about theses things on a daily basis. If something changed and they had to, then they would react in exactly the same way. It’s the way that life works. Most adults have simply forgotten.
The only thing you can do to get through it is to try and be aware when you are acting in a way that may be caused by the hormones. I know it’s not much, but you have to go through this doorway to get to the other side. Knowing that there is reason for why you are acting the way you are helps you feel a little more in control over your life. Also, knowing that you are not the chemical reactions gives you permission to like yourself a little more in spite of your mistakes.
Here is the advice that people of all ages, backgrounds and from around the world offered about dealing with your body’s changes:
AdviceLouise 35 Marketing Coordinator USA Don't let your insecurities get the best of you. If you do, you may never find the happiness you long for, and deserve. Jane 36 Teacher USA Don't worry. In the end, everyone is in the same boat anyway. Everyone has doubts and fears, not just you. You're no different than anyone else. What you feel and what you're going through is no different than what anyone else is experiencing. We're all human and the best that we can do is make life easier for each other, reach out and support each other, and above all, love each other. Oh, and by the way, when guys tell you that they don't want you for the sex, don't you believe a word they're saying. ;O) LaTonya Mahoganey 29 Stock chaser / Material USA Handler Learn about your female body. Stay away from boys until you are 23. Having kids at an earlier age isn't fun at all. Peter 54 Psychologist Russia I would tell myself all of the facts about sex (was so uninformed and misinformed, so frustrated!) Black beauty 25 Typist Bahamas Don't be in a hurry to grow up. Trainee bras, seeing your first period, sex....they'll all come with time! Act your age and make your parents proud!!! Michael Goedecke 47 Business Owner USA Yes, your charm, humor and looks will take you far...so don't worry about feeling so different. You will help change the way many people think by just being yourself. You are gay and it is perfectly okay...in fact, it helps make you fabulous!
The Sex DriveThere is a stereotype about teenage boys. People say that teenaged boys think about sex all the time. Well, no one thinks about sex all of the time, but teenaged boys think about sex more than any other single group. Why is that? Testosterone. A person’s sex drive is the result of a lot of different body chemicals as well as psychological situations. But the thing that makes the sex… drive is testosterone.
That is true with girls as well as boys. Although the ovaries mostly make estrogen, it also makes a significant amount of testosterone. And it is mostly the testosterone that gives girls and women their sex drive. If testosterone is what is responsible for sex drive and teenaged boys produce more testosterone than any group at anytime in their life, then it safe to assume that teenaged boys have the largest sex drive of any group.
Testosterone is the most significant reason for a large sex drive. But testosterone is less than half of the reason why someone has sex. The most important sex organ is the brain. If a person believes that everyone around them is having sex, even if it isn’t true they, they are more likely to have sex earlier. If a person is surrounded by people who they believe are not having sex, then are more likely to wait before having sex. If a person believes that it isn’t good to have sex, but it’s ok to have oral sex, then they are more likely to have oral sex. If a person believes that they could use sex to make them more popular, then they are more likely to have sex. If a person believes that the attention and touching that they get during sex is the only thing that makes them feel good about them self, then they are more likely to have sex.
All of the testosterone in the world couldn’t force you to do something that you don’t want to do. But there is something that you should be aware of. Have you ever had so much sugar that you began to act a little crazy? Or have you ever been so tired that you started to act silly? During those moments you are more likely to do things that you wouldn’t normally do. What happens is that your thinking process changes.
When they have to make a decision, most people consider what the positive and negative results of their decision will be. If the positive results out weigh the negatives they decide to do it. When you are very tired or on a sugar high, you either shorten or completely skip the positive or negative weighing process. This results in people doing things that they wouldn’t normally do.
Testosterone is a much more powerful chemical than sugar. And when a person, no matter what age or sex, is sexually excited, the body injects even more testosterone into the body. This can cause you to take risks that you would never ordinarily take. This injection of testosterone can cause you to temporarily loose your mind. This is especially true for boys who already have very high levels of testosterone. However, what goes up, must come down.
Because we have such a strong desire to be touched and our genitals are the most sensitive parts of our body, during sex we get a huge injection of feel good juice. The down side is that if the testosterone caused you to do something that you wouldn’t normally do or didn’t want to do, you feel it after sex.
For boys the second that the semen leaves the testicles the feel good juices are shut off. And within seconds after the semen leaves your body, your thinking process returns to normal. Reality hits you like a bucket of cold water. What did you just do? Often times that feeling is followed by guilt and regret. If a condom wasn’t used, there is usually a rush of fear. This is the way a male’s body is designed. There is no escaping it.
A girl will experience the same thing but it doesn’t hit as quickly. Usually it takes a few minutes before the second thoughts, regret and guilt appears. This is caused because the feel good juices are shut off and your thinking has returned to normal. This is why people say that 13, 14, 15 and 16 year olds are too young for sex.
These feelings of guilt, and regret after sex don’t happen your entire life. The older you get, the more comfortable you are with yourself and the more likely you are to enjoy the experience during as well as after all is done.
Here is the advice that people wished the could give themselves at 13-years-old about sex:
Advice
I Will Be Me 24 Administrative Assistant Bahamas In five years, you will be face with one of the biggest decisions you have ever and will ever have to make - whether or not to have sex.
DON'T!!! T 43 Science USA If I could transcend the boundaries of time, I would tell my 13 year old self to be patient; sex is not love. It has taken me 30 years and many broken relationships to discover this! Gal pal 38 Buyer USA When I was 13, I remember old folks (30+) telling me to wait to have sex. I also remember thinking they had no idea what they were talking about. What do those 'old' people know, anyway? Well, they were right! There is no rush. You have the rest of your life to experience this. You may think you are prepared for the emotional, not to mention physical, ramifications but you are not. I'm not saying wait until you're 21 but at least give it some time until you are mature enough to handle it. Besides, once you've 'done it all' by 16, what is there to look forward to? 56 Physician USA Don't rush it with the boys and DON'T HAVE SEX until you are older and out of high school. It won't make them like you more and it won't make you more popular in the long run. You can end up with low self-esteem and lack of confidence and even the responsibility of a child (this is definitely not fun when you're a teen). Studying and concentrating on education now will make you a much happier and successful adult, both personally and professionally. Arndfs 32 Iceland Do not have sex with many guys, it seems ok at the time but when you get older you wish that you had not done it. Weeser 55 IS Administrative Assistant USA Sex feels REALLY good and is a lot of fun, but children are forever and you can be a better parent if you have a job you like, savings in the bank, your OWN home, good transportation and the ability to provide the quality of life enhancements for your family not just the necessities. BE YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND first and foremost!
I got pregnant and married at 15. I have a son I love and am proud of as well as 3 terrific grandchildren and the world's sweetest great granddaughter. My marriage WAS doomed but we stuck it out for 28 years and had lots of great times with each other. I just wonder how good things could have been if we had truly been prepared emotionally and financially as well as physically for the responsibilities that accrued to our choices. Jaine 45 Student USA Concentrate on your schoolwork and don't get serious about the opposite sex until you're a lot older.
I didn't graduate from school and finally earned my GED at the age of 37. Now I'm in college and wish that I had graduated. I became a single parent at the age of 21. I often wonder "what if" had I done things differently. Rod Fenton 61 Retired USA Unless you are nuts about little kids.… Give a long hard serious look as to whether to have kids or not....kids can be a continuous, never-ending pain in the ass. Donnie Hazle 42 Program Analyst USA I would tell my 13-year-old self that smoking is very dangerous. That is the year I started smoking and have tried for years to quit. I would also tell myself that sex with out birth control is VERY STUPID. I found out the hard way. Of course, I would tell myself to study hard and go to college but I'm sure at age 13, I wouldn't have listened anyway! Tony 22 USA Use a condom. Avoid having meaningless sex; it’s not worth it. Love yourself. Be honest in all relationships. Cira 71 Retired Job Counselor Cuba Keep yourself clean and pure by not having sex and/or heavy petting until you get married. If you have sex, you can get pregnant and you could get sick with Aids. Do not trust any pills or devices to avoid pregnancy, abstinence is the only thing you can depend on, and that is why I'm saying to wait for marriage to have sex. Lonnie 37 Post Acute Technician USA Communicate with your parents about sex & drugs. So many of our teens are afraid to talk with there parents about sex and drugs. This is the time in there life were it begins to happen to our youth. A lot of parents are in denial. Mine were. I ended up pregnant at the age of 15teen. You have to be able to communicate with your parents. Trust in them like they trust in you. Gemma 18 Administration New Zealand Stay a virgin for as long as you possibly can, the older you become, the more you realize how special it is, and that your friends are just lying to you about how experienced they are. John Driver USA Don't show that stranger your penis in public. She doesn't want to see that. Przemyslaw Skowron 29 Journalist Poland Don't change anything. Stay in bed, read books, wear those awful clothes. Maybe You shouldn't eat so many candies. And I know girls don't like You, but they will (You can't even imagine how soon).
PS. You parents hide the videotape with the movie, where You can see naked women, out in the upper drawer of the sideboard in the living room.
MasturbationIn England during the 1600’s the church made the laws. Those religious leaders must have thought a great deal about sex because they had detailed lists of what a person could or couldn’t do sexually. One law was that: if someone was proven to have engaged in masturbation, they could be thrown into jail. Do you know what this told me when I heard it? It told me that even 400 years ago adult men and women masturbated.
Masturbation is the act of rubbing your genitals for pleasure and it has most likely been around since the first time a cave boy or girl realized that touching their genitals gave them a shot of feel good juice. And although people have been doing it forever, it is still one of the least talked about topics. The most powerful doctor in the United States is called the Surgeon General. This person advises the President of the United States about how to help Americans become healthier.
In 1994 the Surgeon General was Dr. M. Joycelyn Elders. She was very concerned about the amount of teenagers getting pregnant so she did something radical. She suggested that kids engage in masturbation instead of having sex. She went as far as to say that masturbation was a healthy and safe form of sexual release. She was forced to quit within months. Although about 80% of American adults masturbate, the majority of Americans were not ready to admit it or hear the word masturbation said aloud.
Kids start to masturbate as early as one year old. I have read funny stories about parents of 4 year olds that are embarrassed when the kid masturbates in front of guests. It is difficult to find exact numbers but some studies show that 90% of boys have masturbated by age 15 and the majority of them continue throughout their life. Other studies have estimated that 75% of girls have masturbated by age 15 and 80% of them continue throughout their life.
The average boy starts to masturbate at age 11 and peaks at age 13 by masturbating an average of 3 times per day. It is not uncommon for a 13-year-old boy to masturbate 5 or more times in a day.
The average girl masturbates at least once per week by age 15. And it isn’t uncommon for a 13-year-old girl to masturbate daily or 2 or 3 times in a day. Why the difference between the frequency of boys and girls? Boys have significantly more testosterone. Unlike sex, whether or not a person masturbates has a lot to do with sex drive. But again, the brain is the most important sex organ and it plays a significant role in a person’s frequency of masturbation or whether they masturbate at all.
A number of girls and boys feel guilty about masturbation. This is usually caused by their parent’s or religion’s attitude towards it. I can’t tell you how you should feel about masturbation, but I can help you to understand what you doing biologically.
The majority of people have experienced what happens when you rub your bare feet on the carpet during the winter. As you do, you are building up static electricity in your body. You don’t notice anything different about yourself until you touch a doorknob or something metal. When you do notice, it is because of the static shock that comes as energy jumps from your fingertips to the metal object.
Similar to the way that rubbing you feet on the carpet builds static energy, testosterone builds up a sexual energy in your body. Masturbation is similar to touching a metal object when you have static energy buildup. Masturbation releases the energy in one moment and returns your body to a level of calm.
However, like with static energy, there are other, slower ways of releasing sexual energy. If you don’t want to masturbate or would like to cut back, mental or physical exercise is the most effective techniques to release sexual energy. It takes energy to figure out a problem as it does to run across a field. Physical exercise is the most effective technique, but mental exercise can work as well.
Remember that testosterone doesn’t make you do anything, so if you don’t want to masturbate or have sex, you can just choose not to do it. However, boys should be aware that if they don’t masturbate, they will definitely have wet dream. Wet dreams are when semen is released in the middle of the night. Wet dreams are usually happen during dreams where the boy dreams that he is peeing or having an orgasm. The morning after a wet dream, the boy finds stiff or wet areas in his underwear that has a salty smell.
Wet dreams are caused because the testicles are constantly producing semen. If the testicles aren’t emptied through masturbation, the body will regulate itself. If the faucet is left on in the tub and the drain isn’t opened, the water will overflow. There is nothing that anyone can do to stop this process. It is the male’s version of a woman’s period. It happens to every man. Most of us still find it a little embarrassing, but we all understand.
Here is what a few people would say to themselves about masturbation:
Advice
Helen 58 Retired Tourist Guide Australia Do lots of exercise and take lots of cold showers. Why do you reckon I'd give myself that advise?
Gabe Pannwitz 22 USA Don't feel guilty for masturbating. Don't care about your grades. Instead, spend your time doing what you find interesting. Try to tell people what you want from them, even if they don't understand it, even if you don't understand it. Get on the Internet as soon as possible. Many people have loads of interesting things to say there. Many of them can speak to your problem. Don't sweat what people think. They don't have it figured out either.
John 33 Porn Star USA Don't wank so much.
Sherry 42 Freelance Writer USA Spend more time masturbating.
Patrick 29 Lawyer USA Your mother washes the towels. Use toilet tissue.
RelationshipsWhen a duckling hatches, something unusual happens. It looks around and the first living thing that it sees, it will imprint itself on. What that means is that it will think of that human, dog or duck as its mother. That duckling will then follow it’s new mother around and imitate its actions. Humans have a similar characteristic but it doesn’t happen so quickly.
Every parent will tell you that children are born with their own personalities. And it seems that as long as that child doesn’t experience any traumatic or life changing events, that is their personality for life. A very happy baby will generally have good-natured relationships with others as a teen. A baby that doesn’t interact much with other babies will not interact much with others as a teen. Our personality certainly plays a large part in how we act in our relationships, but there is more to it than that.
Before we are able to speak, we are observing life around us. We are trying to figure out the rules of life. We are trying to figure out which actions bring about which results. We are exposed to a limited amount of actions, so the actions that we do see make up the bulk of our own bag of tricks. The people that the majority of us see most often are our parents. For most of us, the actions that our parents use to get what they want are the only things to which we are exposed. Therefore, when it comes time for us to try and get what we want, we reach into our bag of tricks and pull out something that we saw one of our parents do. We do what our parents do because it is the only things in our bag.
This means that if your parents interacted with each other in a healthy manner, then you will probably look for a boy or girlfriend that interacts in a healthy manner. You will then interact in a healthy manner with them. If your parents were yellers then you will instinctually yell. If one of your parents mentally or physically hurt the other parent, then you are more likely to hurt or be hurt by the person that you’re with.
I know that most kids would consider it a nightmare to turn out like their parents so here is an alternative: Find a relationship that you admire and observe it. Watch how they get what they want. If you can’t find a relationship that you admire around you read books about relationships. Fill your bag of tricks with more than what your parents taught you.
It is true that the majority of us turn out like one of our parents, but it’s not because of our wiring like in a duck. It is because we never gave ourselves the option to choose any other way. Most of us go blindly through life wishing that we were different but never changing our bag of tricks. Fill your bag with different ways of getting what you want and then choose differently.
Here is what some people would say to themselves about relationships:
Advice
Delores 40 Writer USA Even if you have doubts, present yourself confidently. Act as if you are intelligent, talented, beautiful and greatly loved and others will see you that way.
Never hang onto someone who doesn't want to be with you. Life is too short. Mourn and then go on and find someone who can love you back. Theresa Connell 35 Bank Manager USA Boyfriends will come and go until you find "Mister right". So don't give up your innocence too early. I used to get myself worked up in craze whenever a boyfriend and I would "break up". Now I realize that none of those guys were the right ones for me. I am very happy with my life now and I lived through all the lonely nights and all the crying. But I remember how hard it was and how, at that time, I thought my world was ending. Maria 40 Screenwriter / Accounting USA Manager Sex is not what you think it is. It is never what you think it is. And you don't have to enter every battle just because you know you can win it. 29 Canada It is important to know that boys/men are not a focus group. You can't play the odds and get the attention you want by doing the things "all guys like" They are each as individual and as fickle as you, if they are going to "like" you it's really just because they do, not as a result of something you've done. Save that energy for making girlfriends. Teenage girls may truly suck as friends, but grown women need to keep all the female friends around them they can. Anne Marie 39 Secretary Canada If I were to give me advise at 13 yrs. old I would now tell me..."live for yourself not for anyone else and treat people how you want to be treated". You only go this way once. Dinah Ames 54 Secretary USA Prince Charming is not coming for you. You will not live happily ever after if you can't take care of yourself in life. No matter what you think right now, you are the person that you must rely on. Use your talents, find something you love to do and learn to do it very well.
Pam 54 Business USA No one will ever love you unconditionally except your parents. They may nag and criticize because they want you to be better but they truly have your best interests at heart.
Do not aspire to be a doormat for anyone, no matter how much you think you love them. Respect yourself first so others can follow your example.
Sabrina 23 Secretary Guatemala Life gives you great things that don't always seem great when it's handed to you. Search deep inside and you'll find what you're looking for.
Why: since I was 13 I've been searching for my true love. 10 years later I found it but not the way a pictured it. It's much better!! Marta 33 Executive Assistant Puerto Rico Follow your heart. Don't let ANYONE tell you what you CAN'T become. And when a boyfriend walks out...Shut the door! Leslie Schory 56 Administrative Assistant USA Question what it is to be "normal." If everyone thinks it's not normal to love your same sex best friend, question why they think that way. Learn to be accepting of people's differences. And be sure to get a good education--it'll impact the quality of life you will experience. Melissa Hall 32 Student USA Stop worrying about making your boyfriend happy and work on making yourself happy. You lost a lot of good productive time on pleasing a guy who didn't appreciate any of it. And plan your college education instead of your wedding. You are too young for marriage. Nagnhag 49 House Slug USA He may be "square", but he'll treat you better than that "cool" guy ever will. Gina 46 Divorced Homemaker USA "Pick your mate, THEN get excited." I heard this one recently, and I wish someone had explained this to me when I was 13. I wish someone had told me that I don't exist to change a guy, or help him deal with HIS bad past or the poor parenting he received. I wish someone had told me that love is NOT supposed to hurt or feel like a burden. And that when a guy 'falls for me,' I do NOT have to fall also...that just because someone says "I want you" doesn't mean anything more than that.
I'm sure glad I know now...and, I have a 13 year-old niece that I plan to share this advice with. Lucky kid :-)
Carole E. Gauthier 44 Secretary / Receptionist Canada Trust your first instincts in any relationship and don't rush into anything. Take your time. Mary 22 Clerical USA Be true to yourself. Don't deny your feelings because others tell you they are wrong. Homosexuality is not wrong no matter what anyone else says, and you are free to live whatever life you choose. You will eventually find others who are either like you or accept you unconditionally no matter who you are. Don't lie to yourself, the truth will eventually be too much to ignore. Fawn 43 Administrative Assistant USA Stop underestimating how powerful you are. You can bring great hope or great pain by your words and actions. Don't play games with the hearts of boys who like you. Respect yourself by respecting them. You're beautiful and wonderful just the way you are and you don't have to prove anything to anyone. Follow this advice and your future will be much brighter. Your heart (& others) will remain intact. And you'll enjoy deep and lasting relationships your entire life. Mazie 58 Pre-school Teacher USA Don't do anything until you give yourself time to consider all options and really know who you are and what you want and need. Be careful of what your heart tells you as it tends to over rule your head. Remember you are special and deserve all that you can be. I married too early (18) before I had time to know me. Barry Cohen 54 Government Worker USA In the future when you have a job and you make money, invest some and spend the rest wisely do not spend on foolish things. Now, meeting the right woman is a whole different story, as you will find out women are like hot and cold running water. It's a give and take situation. You have to take some flak from them, and accept it to smooth things over or you could be asleep and get a frying pan on the head. Enough said don't make mistakes as I have done.
Amanda 44 Office Manager USA Believe in yourself. Listen to that little voice inside that is hidden by all your insecurities. Don't let anyone talk you into something that you don't want to do. You are a good person and one-day people will appreciate that. Don't let anyone bully you or make you feel bad about yourself.
I was molested when I was a nine. Which led to me not believe in myself and being full of self-doubt. Which eventually led me to get raped at 14 and 16.
Because of my self-doubt I was scared of many things and missed out on a lot in my life. Fun trips I could have gone on, etc. I was involved in 2 disastrous violent relationships because I didn't believe in myself, I didn't listen to that little voice inside me telling me that I was good and that I deserved to be treated well.
Now that I am finally listening to that little voice my life is wonderful. So believe in yourself, that is my advice. But finally I am able to see what a good person I am.
Michelle 43 Legal Assistant USA If someone you trust is hurting you in any way, shape or form, TELL SOMEONE YOU TRUST that this is happening. The person hurting you may tell you things like "this is what people do" and "it's our secret so don't tell anyone else" or "if you tell anyone, I'll hurt you and your family." Don't believe them! Tell a school counselor, a neighbor, the police, your best friend, the librarian - anyone - that someone you love is hurting you. Duke Taylor 44 Sales USA Start talking to someone professional about your sexual abuse when you were younger. It took me over 30 years to finally get rid of the shame, once I spoke about it, it was gone. Sim 24 Various Australia Advice: Don't search for love and success. Don't fret when it can't be found. Be yourself, and be happy to be that way. Care not for the opinions of others, their judgments are based on a flawed point of view. Stand tall. Don't let them cut you down. And eat your broccoli.
Tom Bentsen 52 Inventor / Problem Solver USA Be positive, keep a smile on your face, a song in your heart and faith in your soul. This will get you through most everything. Even though it may not be obvious to you, you are worthy to give and receive love. Turn your energies loose to live, love, learn and share. Keep an open mind and an open heart so you can receive the gifts and rewards of your efforts. "Count that day lost, whose setting sun, sees no worthy action done."
DatingWhether or not you should date now depends on how your parents, guardians and community feel about dating. Whether or not you date before the age of 18 has no significant negative effect on who you will be as an adult.
However, if your parents, guardians and community are ok with dating and you want to date, don’t let fear stop you. Regret is the hardest thing to live with as an adult and you are an adult a lot longer than you are a kid.
When you decide that you like someone, keep in mind that no matter how much you like or think about them, teenagers are very insecure. This insecurity causes them to act in ways that often seem exactly opposite from how they say they feel.
The truth is that no one could ever really love you until they learn to love themselves. This is why some people say that you are not in love when you are 13. Most people don’t even begin to get to know themselves until they are in their 20’s. It may be a feel wonder, powerful and over-whelming but true love can’t happen until you’ve learned to love yourself. While you decide whether or not to love yourself, dating is a wonderful way to get to know yourself better.
If you do decide to date, boys should remember that personality is by far the number one thing that girls look for in a boy. It is more important than the way your face looks or the way your body looks. What type of personality will depend on the girl. Girls should remember that a smile is the most attractive feature that you can have and will draw more people to you then anything thing else that you can easily change.
Here is some of the advice that people would give to themselves about dating at 13:
Advice
Dodie 51 Writer USA Stop worrying about making boys love you. Instead, work hard on being a loveable person, and loving yourself. You will think this is corny, but do it anyway. The only way you will ever be happy is to be yourself and love yourself. Follow YOUR dream, not what someone else thinks you should be. And by the way, people like you a lot more than you think they do. And don't be so good all the time. Enjoy every minute of your life and don't waste your time on negative people. Oh, and don't marry Chuck. He's a great as a friend but will make a lousy husband. ---------------------------------------- Why? Because I would save myself a lot of heartache by knowing at 13 what I didn't know until 49, the joy of knowing that you are okay the way you are. Stephen Szklarski 45 Filmmaker USA When you like a girl, and if she is really pretty and you are afraid to ask her out. Do it regardless. She is a person with feelings just like you are. You never know what could happen. There is a good possibility that she really likes you. Denise 27 Attorney USA Don't be so concerned with being old enough to "do stuff." Before you know it, you'll be nearing thirty and wish you cherished riding your bike instead of willing the years to pass to be of driving age. And boys are stupid. They say stupid things, and often try to hurt your feelings. 9 times out of 10, this is because they "like" you. Don't let them get you down because they take a long time to grow up. Beowulfe 28 Artist USA Always trust and believe in yourself. You of all people, should have nothing to fear. And don't worry about girls, they're not as scary as they seem. I was discovering it for myself by rebelling rather than by actual confidence in my abilities.
CeJay 25 Student / Nutrition Bahamas Don't worry, you will grow up to be pretty...boys and girls really aren't that different, boys are just people too. If a teacher hates you or a boy won't talk to you, it really isn't the end of the world. When I was 13, I hated myself and how I looked; I thought that boys were alien creatures, and always felt funny talking to them. All of that nervousness was unwarranted. I should have just talked. I also wanted to kill myself because some boy didn't like me. He would have forgotten about me by now. I can barely remember his name. I would tell myself don't stress out so much and have fun. You're thirteen. Giggle. Make faces. Eat pizza. Drink milk shakes. Talk on the phone. Wear your mom's old clothes. Create fashions. Make go-carts. Be young. John 42 Software Developer USA Don't care what other people think and don't be afraid to talk to girls that you are interested in. Chances are, they want you to talk to them. David 50 Engineer USA Ask her out. Gibby 37 Aerospace Engineer USA Take Chances! Don't be afraid to fail. You can learn a lot from failure. And ask the damn girl out! Sally 28 Accounting Canada Don't sleep with anyone until you're 18. You may think that it's okay or cool to do whatever you want but if you don't choose wisely, you may ruin your reputation and your self respect. Wait until you fall in love if you can't wait until you're 18. I'd wait at least 6 months to sleep with a guy I was dating if I was 13 again.
I know that being a teenager is tough but if you can get through it without screwing things up too much, you'll have an easier adult life.
Then again, who knows what lessons we have to learn when we're young to fulfill our destiny.
Shari 38 Business Analyst USA When you're thirteen, you're NOT in love. You won't really be in love until you're in your twenties. There will be boys you care about, and will remember when you are older, but you will THANK GOD when you are older that you are not still with those boys. And they are not worth compromising for, changing for or wanting to kill yourself for. They are future memories of silly crushes that will sometimes bring a smile, or a tear to your face. And when real love comes, you'll know all those boys who came before were just practice. Gayle McIntosh 51 Accountant Australia Love yourself.
Before others can love you, you have to at the very least like yourself. lmor 43 Radiation Technician USA It's more important to learn to love and respect yourself than trying to earn the love and respect of others. You work on that and the rest will come without sacrifice.
I was promiscuous at an early age. Jesse Isaacs 23 USA Even if you think that you need to hide your true identity to survive high school, you don't. You will grow to be much stronger than most because of the truth of who you are. I know you're hiding a secret and in a few years, you will not be ashamed anymore. You can make that happen sooner and make your life and the lives of others much more enjoyable and free.
David 27 Librarian USA Loosen up! You can't believe all the fun you have -- and the true friends you make -- when you finally do. Not being true to yourself sooner will be your only regret. (Yes, that includes admitting you really are gay. Trust me, it turns out fine.)
Isabella 22 Accountant USA Learn to completely love yourself. If not, your life will be dominated by doubt; of your strengths, talents, accomplishments, and the fact that you are a good person. You must love yourself before you can ever really love someone else or let them love you. JLL 50 MCP USA Love yourself enough to know who else really loves you for yourself. Phyllis Gay Edwards 53 Law Enforcement - CID USA Transcriptions I would have followed my dream of becoming an emergency room physician. I married too quickly out of high school and didn't ever reach my career goals in the field of medicine. I love medicine and would have followed that life path which I feel would have been tremendously satisfying and fulfilling. Danielle 54 Homemaker Canada When I was 13 I started dating. I continued to date the same person until I was 20 and he was 22 at which time we got married. I really didn't want to get married, but everyone in our group was doing it. I truly wish that I hadn't. We had 2 children and then after 4 1/2 years we got a divorce. Use your teen years wisely, have fun with your group, but don't get serious. You have your whole life ahead of you to be married, if that's what you want. Just explore all the avenues open to you and don't get tied down just to follow the crowd. It's funny on the way down the aisle I thought to myself "You really don't want to do this", but all the plans were made so I didn't say anything.
Linda 45 Office Manager USA Focus more on your schoolwork and getting into college, than on boys. An education and a career can last a lifetime. A boyfriend can last a week.
Sharon Linden 39 Business Analyst USA There's a lot of fish in the sea...don't settle for an old blowfish. Throw the bad ones back and keep on fishin'.
Melissa 27 College Administration USA Your heart will be broken over and over again. Accept it, move on, and you WILL be okay. True love will find you. Maria 26 Loan Coordinator USA Hold off on dating. You get hurt too much Lynn Marie 42 Import Manager USA Date, date, date. And drop them when they are bad to you. Do not get married until you find someone who is wonderful! You can't make them nicer. It isn't your job to baby-sit them. And if their Mother couldn't raise them, what makes you think you can???? Wait for a Man, not a boy. LaDonna Hatch 55 Retired stay-at-home Mom / USA Student My advice to myself at 13 would be to quit being so boy crazy and concentrate on good grades and getting ready for college and a career before marriage and kids. Also, to keep my sense of humor because I will definitely be needing it! Also tell myself to be honest with others but most of all to be honest with myself. Oh, and enjoy life to the fullest because time really flys by faster and faster each year.
Kim 45 Medical Transcription USA Boyfriends are like buses, another one comes along every 20 minutes; do not elevate their status above your own. Listen to your mother, she's more right than wrong. Be kind to your brother. Take that trip to Costa Rica. Pay close attention to grandma's cooking lessons--they matter. Stop wearing the heels and the boots that are too tight, there will be hell to pay. Bask in family love. Self-explanatory
Mi 49 Accounting USA Real love is possible. Wait. People can't be changed no matter how hard you wish or want them to. Allow pictures to be taken of you often no matter how bad you think you look.
Why I settled for less than true love thinking I could mold people to my specifications... Have very few pictures of me though out the years because I always avoided having my picture taken until I thought I looked my best. Quana 27 Mom to a special needs child USA Don't concern yourself so much with boys. They aren't all they are cracked up to be. Pete 41 IT Professional USA You know that girl you think you're madly in love with? The one who ignores you? You'll be glad she isn't your girlfriend. You'll do better and she'll do worse. Trust me. Ralph 45 Lumberjack Canada Don't worry. Just because she said no, she just wants to be friends, doesn't mean all girls will say no. Rejection isn't the end of the world; it just feels like it for a while. Adam 16 Student Canada Forget about Erika!
She is so not for you. Use your time to get fresh with some other chick. Jane 42 Oil & Gas Geo Technician USA Love is an evolving emotion, it is not fair to yourself or another to commit to lifelong love until you know yourself and what qualities you truly value in another.
Heidi 24 Data Systems Specialist USA Don't try to please boys. Don't kiss a boy unless you really love him and& NEVER let it go farther than that. Stand up for yourself and trust in the Lord. Christine 31 Homemaker New Zealand Do what you love instead of worrying about whether you're ever going to get a boyfriend, find out who you are and what you love doing (believe me, it sucks to get to 29 and realize that you don't know either of those things!). If you follow your passion and meet someone special while you're at it then you already have something in common, if not then at least you're doing what you love. Paul 50 Teacher United Kingdom For God's sake, talk to the girl; do something; have fun; trust in your appeal and go for it! Danielle Don't hide your feelings, girl. You may regret afterwards that you didn't say the right words. And never think of revenge, let them go. Wish all people happiness, even those who you don't get on well with.
Enjoy every minute of your life. It's too short, and you won't notice how time goes by. Thank God for everything you have now. And remember, everything happens for a reason. Jon 50 Architect USA Don't be so serious about your religion because it will lead you to a career that is not right for you. You are gay and need to accept that now because neither religion nor any amount of effort on your part will change that. Get a good education and a fun career and enjoy your life! It is going to be filled with many good people.
Robert 40 Airline Manager USA Quit wasting so much time agonizing over what other people may or may not be thinking and/or feeling. Life will proceed so much more smoothly if you stop torturing yourself in this way!
Learn to dance. I know, I know, the idea seems a major waste of time, but not very long in the future, you'll look back and appreciate this perspective. While it seems incomprehensible, girls REALLY like dancing, and they'll like you better if you can (and will!) do it too.
Frank 61 Retired United Kingdom Talk more. Your ideas are interesting. You can make people laugh! Ask that girl to dance. Teresa 40 Payroll Administrator Canada "You deserve to be loved and be happy, so do what makes you smile, and what makes you feel good about yourself. Real love will be drawn to you. Nothing makes the human face more attractive than a genuine smile."
-Why? Because it's taken me this long to start believing that advice myself; I've missed (and missed out on) so much of life because of that.
Freddy 34 Student USA Take up acting. It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Tony Kay 68 Intellectually Handicapped New Zealand Caregiver Don't put a lot of energy out chasing girls. Put yourself among female company and then stand off a bit. Be pleasant and approachable, but reserved. The girls will come to you.
Carole 58 Sales USA "You can look to the Lord for the love & acceptance you need, you aren't going to get it from the boy next door." My father died when I was 12 & my mother went into emotional limbo. I was looking for emotional support in all the wrong ways & in all the wrong places. Connie Holaway 43 Draftsman USA If you could pick your age to die- how old would you be? (most say 80-90s). So, if you live to be 90, how much of your life do you have left at this moment? Average answer: 75 years. That's a long time. So, how long have you lived so far? 13. And of your 90 total years, how long will you be a teenager? 5-7. So, in the course of an entire lifetime, the time that you are a teenager isn't very long in comparison, is it? So-- when you do that math- think of your life in perspective and live your life as a teen TODAY- ENJOY this time (responsibly of course, so you'll GET to age 90!) AND don't be in such a hurry to grow up or worry that you don't get a BF or GF-- you have 75 more years to do that!! The odds ARE in your favor!
Losing My VirginityI grew up in a family of all boys. I was the youngest of 3, and my brothers told me all of their stories about sex. I remember when one of my brothers told me that he lost his virginity. He was 15 and he described it as casually as buying a pair of shoes. I had always been a little competitive so when I reached 11-years-old I decided that I would have sex earlier than he did.
I was in the eighth grade when I was 13 and this was my second year at St. Augustine’s. The girls at this school were different. These girls were a lot more aggressive. These girls weren’t afraid to say who they liked and what they wanted.
There was one girl that stood out from the rest. Tina was in my homeroom class and she liked me. I wasn’t attracted to her but she was very nice, and more importantly… she liked to me. There were many times that year when Tina caught me off guard. My first high school party was one of those times.
I felt very uncomfortable at that party. The reason was because everyone there seemed very uncomfortable. All of the boys and girls were standing around barely talking to each other, and trying their best to seem relaxed. I could feel an unspoken pressure on everybody to do something with each other, but I couldn’t figure out what.
As the night wore on I remember Tina calling me over. She was sitting on a high table moving to the music. She engaged me in conversation then asked me if I wanted to dance. I said no. We continued to talk and then she asked again. Again I said no. Why? I wasn’t sure that I knew how to dance. I had never tested my slow dancing skills with a girl and I wasn’t about to discover that I couldn’t dance in front of my entire eighth grade class.
The night was beginning to wind down and I guess that I was beginning to frustrate Tina. Still sitting on the table she pulled me between her legs, threw her arms around me and moved to the music. I think that that was the moment when I realized what the pressure was. The pressure was to kiss. The question was: Was I going to kiss Tina?
I had already had a first kiss. That came in the fifth grade when as punishment for talking in class, Wendy was forced to line all of the boys in front of the chalkboard and one by one eliminate them until the one that she like the most was left. I was the one left, and on teacher’s orders I received my first kiss by the cutest crying 9-year-old that you ever did see. My teacher later informed me that Wendy cried because she was overwhelmed by the moment and not because she was doing something that she didn’t want to do. Since Wendy was smiling while she cried, I believed her.
Tina was not crying. Nor was she smiling. She was dead serious and she meant business. I had put my arms around her and I was moving my body with hers. I kept thinking that she wanted to kiss with her tongue and I didn’t know how to do that. Yes, I knew the mechanics. I knew what was supposed to happen with our tongues but I had never done it. I wasn’t sure if I could do it correctly and I wasn’t sure that I wanted to find out in front of my entire eighth grade class. Sure people were pretending not to pay attention to us, but lets face it, there was nothing else going on. We were the main attraction.
I looked up to find a few of the guys staring at me. Two of them were trying to get me to do something. It took me a moment to figure it out, but when one of them came over and moved my hand down to her butt, I knew what he was saying. He was saying that he wanted me to move my hand onto her butt. I had no doubt.
Tina didn’t seem to mind. I even got the impression that she liked it. But I knew that nothing else would happen that night. I had school on Monday and all of this was already too awkward. I think that I may have kissed her good night, but it wasn’t with tongue. I had already done something that I hadn’t done before and that one step was enough.
Another first for me that year was when I received my first phone call from a girl. A girl had asked me for my number so I had an idea that it was coming, but I didn’t know when. Before that year no girl had ever called me. Would I be able to carry on a conversation? I didn’t know. I felt a lot of stress about it, but finally when the time came, it turned out that I was really good. I was so good that I became the girl’s favorite boy in my class to call.
It took only a short while before Tina called. We would have long conversations about class, school and our families. I felt very comfortable talking on the phone, and I could talk about anything. There was, however, another time that year when Tina caught me of guard.
One night on the phone she told me that she liked me. I was flattered, of course, but I didn’t feel the same way so I decided not to respond. Obviously my silence didn’t slow her down because the next thing that she told me was that she wanted to have sex with me.
Well, there it was. This was my opportunity to have sex a full two years before my brother. The only thing was that I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to have sex with Tina. I didn’t want to have sex. Yes, my hormones were raging and I had begun masturbating years before, but I knew that I was not ready for sex. I had learned the facts about sex from my other brother when I was about six years old, and even back then I had felt stripped of my innocence. I felt like I already knew too much.
There wasn’t much of a pause between her suggestion and my reply. I was as delicate, and charming as any 13 year old boy would be if presented with something that they didn’t want to do. I mocked her with the distinct sound of fear in my voice. I still feel a little bad.
That was the end of Tina, but I wasn’t ready to give up on my sex goal. However, it turns out that she was the only girl to express that type of interest in me that year or the next. There were girls that like me when I was 15 and older but I never seemed to feel the same way about them. In college there were a couple of girls that expressed an interest in me. There were even two girls during freshman year and another during senior year that suggested sex. But the truth was that I didn’t want to.
It’s not that I didn’t like the idea of having sex. I suggested sex a few times during college. However, when my suggestion wasn’t immediately responded to, I moved on. And it’s not like I didn’t think about sex. There were a number of girls during college that I had a crush on. There was even one that I was in love with, but sex just wasn’t that casual to me.
I didn’t have sex during college. I didn’t have sex the year after that or the following year. By age 23 I realized what had kept me from having sex for so long; I had felt insecure. I had felt self-conscious and uncomfortable with my body. Sex was also a very intimate thing for me, and I wasn’t ready to reveal myself so completely to someone else.
At age 23 I truly became ready to have sex. Sadly, the opportunity didn’t present itself for another two years, but when I finally did have sex, it felt really good. I wasn’t self-conscious. I wasn’t insecure and it felt great. And it wasn’t just the physical stimulation that made it feel good; it was the idea that I managed to wait until I was absolutely ready. I didn’t wait because I was never given the opportunity. I didn’t wait because my religion told me that I had to or because I had promised someone that I would. I waited because it was what was most true to me.
My decision to wait wasn’t about changing the world or having something that distinguished me from the crowd. In fact, everyone I know will be surprised to hear how long I actually waited. For years I lied about having sex. Freshman year of college I told a friend I was a virgin and he immediately turned on the pressure. I decided then that I would never be upfront again. I didn’t lie, but I subtly changed the topic when I could and used misleading truths when I couldn’t.
It’s not great to feel like you have to lie. And I knew that my friends would have accepted me if I told the truth. But if it comes down to being true to your friends and being true to yourself, always choose to be true to yourself. You are the only one that you will have to live with for the rest of your life. And knowing that you did something that you didn’t want to do feels like a hand is squeezing your heart every time you think of it; you get a feeling like you want to throw up and it’s a little hard to breath.
I don’t feel that everyone should wait as long as it did to have sex. But if there is even one part of you that isn’t sure whether or not you should have sex now, then every day that you can hold off until you are sure, will be a source of pride for you for the rest of your life. It is for me.
|
