There is a difference between when bad things happen and when feeling troubled. Bad things are events that we don’t want to happen. It may be the loss of a loved one. It may be breaking your arm right before the conference finals. It may be moving away from all of your friends.
When I refer to feeling troubled I am referring to the negative feeling we have in response to bad things. It is possible to lose a loved one and feel sad, but to also feel an overwhelming sense of happiness for having been able to share the time that you had with them. It is possible to break your arm right before the conference finals and accept it as another in the series of obstacles that your team had to overcome to get to the finals. It is possible to move away from all of your friends, promise to keep in touch and then look forward to all of the new friends that you will meet. Everyday people of all ages have positive responses to bad things. Trouble comes when we feel bad in response to bad things.
Whenever I feel troubled, it can be traced back to one thing, expectation. From the time that we crawl out of our parents’ arms we are trying to understand the world. And the less experience we have, the more curious we are. When we finally feel that we understand a topic, our curiosity about that topic diminishes and we become curious about something else.
This is a great system. It was probably used as far back as the cavemen, but it does have a flaw. After we become convinced that we understand something, we create an expectation about what will always happen in the future.
Expectation is the state or act of looking forward or anticipating. It is a very natural part of life. In fact the majority of what we think of as true or real is based on a series of expectations. For example, if the bus picked you up from school everyday for years, you expect that the bus will continue to pick you up from school whenever school ends. If you have gotten no less than an ‘A’ on every math test you have taken this year, you expect to continue to get A’s in math for the rest of the year.
If every TV show and adult around you tells you that everyone deserves to be treated kindly, you expect that you will be treated kindly. If you believe that because of your looks, humor or simply because you are a nice person, you are worthy of the affection of a particular boy or girl, there is also a part of you that expects that that boy or girl will like you too. But as we all know, sometimes that just doesn’t happen.
Newborn babies know nothing about themselves or the world. They can’t walk, talk, or feed themselves. They are completely helpless. The way that babies become adults with families, friends and fulfilling jobs, is that they learn things about themselves and the world. Learning is like creating a pyramid with large blocks. When we learn something, it’s like throwing a layer of large blocks onto the ground and then stepping up onto it. Once on, we test to see how secure it is. We jump up and down. We rock back and forth. Eventually when we are sure that it’s secure, we forget about it.
We then walk around on our foundation layer looking for more knowledge. When we find something new, it is like throwing another layer of blocks onto our first layer and stepping onto that. The more we learn the higher we step up. By age 13 we are pretty high in the air. But 13 is when most of us start to experience our first falls.
Everyone that has ever lived has stood on their pyramid and fallen suddenly when, without warning, one of the layers is kicked out from under them. These falls may occur if your parents get divorced, or a kid makes fun of you at school, or your dog dies. This happens because much lower on your pyramid, you decided that you would make one of your foundation layers (that you would trust) the idea that your parents will always be together, or that you are a nice or cool person, or that your dog will be around forever.
And why wouldn’t you believe these things. Smart people believe these things. If your parents have never been divorced, why would you believe anything other than that they would always be together? If you didn’t have any problems in elementary school, why would you believe that someone would make fun of you now? If you have never had a dog that died, why would you consider that your dog would eventually die?
When these troubling events occur, it is like someone has kicked out one of the foundations of your pyramid. As you fall you are reaching and grabbing at things that you could use as a foundation. “Maybe,” you think, “because my parents have divorced everything in my life will change. Maybe I’m a social outcast that will never have friends. Maybe everything around me will die and I will be left alone.” A lot of the time you don’t even hear yourself saying these things. Often it feels like sadness, pain, or a numb feeling, but it’s always there. Whether we hear ourselves say these things or not, we become very unsure about the security of our entire pyramid and our lives.
That insecurity is very natural because we don’t know which layer has been kicked out. It could be your newest layer or it could be one of the very bottom layers. Because you are an intelligent person, you consider that it could be one of your bottom layers. You understand that if it is one of the lower layers, you may have to start all over again. This makes you sad and angry and frustrated and disappointed, sometimes all at once. And all of this is natural. When our world does not conform to our expectations, we feel troubled.
Think about it. When do you feel troubled? Every person that has ever lived has gone through this. The most powerful job in the world is considered to be the President of the United States. More than any other job, the American President gets to decide; who lives and who dies, who will be wealthy and who will be poor; and what the future will look like for everyone else in the world. If a person hopes to become President and then becomes President of the United States, they have achieved the greatest career goal that they could hope for.
In order for a person to become President of the United States more American must agree with their ideas and be willing to follow them than anyone else running for President. When Bill Clinton became President, he thought that he had created a very secure foundation on his pyramid. He thought that the American people elected him because they wanted him to accomplish very specific things, things that would have begun with an important first step.
Two years later Bill Clinton was a very depressed man. President Bill Clinton, who had realized his greatest goal in life, was so depressed that he had to bring in a motivational speaker to convince him to keep doing the job that he had always dreamed about having. The layer of his pyramid that he stood most securely on, was kicked out from under him. The President of the United States needed help from someone with more experience than him to rebuild his pyramid.
It doesn’t matter how smart you are. It doesn’t matter how old you are. And when you find out that one of your expectations is wrong, it doesn’t mean that you will never have friends, be loved or do well in school. You may ask me, “How could you be so sure?” Because of experience. The only real difference between a 13 year old and an adult is experience.
The way that we create the layers of our pyramid is by watching and listening to the people around us. This is the only way that we can learn. Unfortunately, when the people around you are unhappy or negative, they will teach you negative things about yourself. And if everyone around you is unhappy or negative they will convince you to believe negative and untrue things about yourself. If enough people convince you about these untruths, it may take 43 years before that layer of your pyramid collapses and you realize the truth.
Don't trust people who are unhappy or negative the majority of the time. They don't say things because it's true. They say things because they're sad.
Sarah 20 Student USA
I would tell myself to realize that people can be cruel, they can make you feel like you are worthless, ugly, small, and insignificant, but it's their comments that are worthless.
For every person that ever hurts you, there will be five more that love you the way you are. It will take time to see that you are fine the way you are, but thirteen is a hard place to see that far ahead.
Bob 37 Management USA
Don't listen to the teachers and adults who tell you that you're a loser and will never amount to anything...karma is a good thing!
Kristie 42 Banking USA
Kids at that age can be very cruel. Just remember to like and respect yourself for who you are and try not to worry about what other people think.
William 42 Business owner, PC Tech, USA
Pastor
Don't let what other kids do or say bother you. Their opinion of you is not important. They are kids to. They know nothing of people or life. The only opinion that will matter greatly to you are the ones of those truly close to you and that of God himself. You have a purpose in life... created for a reason. Feel good about it and life. Honor the one that made you and gave you that purpose.
BMom 54 Mom, Supernana and Auntie USA
Electron
DON'T LET THE BASTARDS GET YOU DOWN! You know that you have a mother who will never be satisfied no matter what you do because some people are not emotionally equipped to raise kids. Ease up. Don't try to hang with the cool people, get high and be fly to ease the pain. Just try to ride it out and let go and let God. It's only a ride. Ride it to the end and learn as you go. Love yourself because in the end that's who you have to live with, girlfriend.
Tracy Turntine 38 Workforce Analyst USA
When I was 13 I was "outed", though I'd not yet done anything for which to be outed. I went through hell at school. I had to change schools that year but had to come back the next. It didn't get any better. By age 15 I'd let it get to me so much that I was suicidal and eventually dropped out.
My advice to my 13-15 yr old self would be: though not easy, to care less about what others think about me; To be true to myself; To have trusted my mother enough to have been honest with her. I wish I had felt strong enough then to be who I really was.
Audi 38 Administrative Assistant USA
Don't forget how strong and resilient you are. Hold onto your faith that things work out, no matter how tough it gets. Remember how worthy you are; don't let others use you. It's okay to be sad, to feel scared. And lastly, you may never see these kids after High School, so remember they aren't all that important!!
J.M.K.M. 50 Director of Curriculum & USA
Instruction
I want to share with you something I wish I had known at your age. I grew up thinking that everyone in this world would be treated fairly by others and that I would also be treated fairly. I couldn't understand it when my brothers or sister were allowed to do something that I wasn't allowed to do. I would protest, "That's not fair!" I didn't discover until I was a parent and a teacher that things are truly fair only when people are not treated the same.
Everyone is unique, and every circumstance is unique. Everyone should be treated differently. The next time you have the urge to say, "That's not fair!" remember that being treated as the unique individual that you are, is as fair as it gets.
Julie 39 Real Estate USA
I would tell myself "Honest to God, things will get better. All those people who's opinions you feel are so important right now really aren't. Most of them will not turn out to be so special anyway. Pay close attention to the nerds and what they are doing right.
You'll survive, I promise. And, oh yeah, study! Applying yourself in school really will make a difference. You'll thank me later.
Diane Nielsen 53 Former Alcohol and Drug USA, Michigan,
Counselor, now receptionist Hemlock
Dear Diane,
I know you hurt and you don't know why. Everything that is negative that you see, hear or experience, you have been taking in as if it is you. STOP IT. NOW. STOP IT. Refocus and learn all the hard stuff, practice it, own it. Learn the math you will need, take on intellectual challenges. Read for knowledge, not for feeling content. Refocus. Joy will be yours if you let the tumult of feelings pass through you like air instead of following every feeling. Keep interested in school. Forget pleasing your body. Give it a rest. Learn from your mother, she knows how to do things and loves you. Your father is brilliant but you have your own brilliance, find your heart in science. Get physical, play, don't read so much that you lose your own voice.
Get secure with God. Trust your Higher Power to lead you. You are not lost.
Rob Sherman 32 Programmer USA
It's so easy to see your world torn apart a little at a time on a daily basis when your parents fight in front of you or you can hear them down the hall screaming at each other. You have to remember that the reason they are arguing has nothing to do with you and that it's not your fault in any way, shape or form. It may seem like it is and you may wish that you could make it better but you have to accept that you may not be able to do anything about it and that the problems they have are theirs, though it does ultimately affect you. If you feel overwhelmingly sad, then find someone that you can talk to about it or find a great teacher you like and ask him/her to help you find someone that you can talk to. It's ok to ask for help and it's ok to talk to people about how you feel and someday soon you'll be glad you did. The older you get the broader your understanding will grow and you'll see that this really isn't the end of the world as you know it and that there will be many unbelievably better times ahead of you.
When I was around this age I couldn't understand why my parents argued so much and I was very sad and distraught by it all. I was depressed. I thought it was all my fault being an only child and thought about running away, suicide or anything else to make the pain that I was experiencing go away. Now it seems so trivial, but then I remember thinking that not living would have been better then to keep living this way and seeing the people I love tear each other apart. I found the courage to pick up a phone and call a hotline… later on I asked for help and wanted to talk to someone about it. I did live to see better times and times did get better even though my parents eventually divorced. I'm all right.
Rikki Rinker 56 Benefits Coordinator USA
Always remember you are important too. You are smart and people like you.
Never put yourself down. I spent too many years worrying about what other people thought of me.
Savoy Davies 45 Housewife USA, New Jersey
Be calm. Don't let other people's problems disturb your day.
Because of my father's job, we moved many times and my mother suffered with depression.
Miss Lilly 68 Retired USA
Keep your chin up girl. You are going to go far! Your life will be interesting, rewarding, successful and lots of fun!
Parents were negative; my 13-year-old self needed encouragement. I was the little train that could, but my parents never believed it, ergo…
Jane 53 Volunteer USA
Don't be offended by, hurt by or take personally the words and actions of other people towards you, because it is people who hurt, who hurt people and the problem is with them not you. Knowing that, you should be able to see that what they need is sympathy and understanding.
Myself 56 Project Manager USA
Look inside to find out who you are. Grab on to what you discover and hold it tight.
Don't accept as true what others, even your parents, tell you as 'who you are'.
YOU know better because who you are lies within yourself. It's YOUR self-image;
YOUR self-esteem; YOUR soul.
It has taken me some time to realize that what I was told as 'who I was' by parents, siblings, others.... images that I, as a child, accepted as true and valid.... wasn't at all true. I have lived many years with the burden of low self-esteem caused by childish acceptance. I know better and am free and happy for the rest of my years. My soul soars.
Patricia 68 Lawyer's Assistant USA
Respect yourself even if others abuse or belittle you, and believe in yourself even if others tell you that you cannot accomplish something. Do not give up your dreams and do not be afraid of trying something new and different, but think it through. Remember, we are all here because we are not all there!!! You have a wonderful future. Make the most of it and thank you for letting me "talk."
Often times we are surprised by life. We expect a situation to happen one way and, like a good movie, it turns out another. When a situation turns out better than we expected, we are quite happy about it. However, when a situation turns out worse than expected we often feel quite bad.
Expectations are different from hopes, dreams and goals. Hopes, dreams and goal refer to what a person wants to happen in the future, while expectations are strong desires for a particular event to occur. Often we expect our best friends to follow certain unspoken best friend rules. Or we expect our parents to act in a way that we believe a parent should act. The problem with this is that our best friends and parents have their own rules of behavior and expectations for themselves and for the way that they think you should act.
The question is, is it fair for your parents to have expectations for you that you may not be able to live up to? No. Is it fair that you best friend to have spoken rules about the way you should act when they haven’t even discussed them with you? No. Or is it fair for someone to hold you to something that you agree to do before you got all the facts about a situation? Not really. That would be like agreeing to follow the rules of basketball and then being handed a football. Just as it’s unfair for you to live up to everyone else’s expectations for you, it is unfair for you to expect others to live up to your expectation for them.
And just like the best way to quit using drugs is not to start, the best way to deal with disappointed expectations is not to create them in the first place. Create hopes about what you want, and dreams about what you would like to do and be, but allow life to create even better plans, the design of which you couldn’t even begin to imagine. The more life experience you have, the more you see the wondrous perfection in which life works. Each of our lives is like a puzzle piece with thousands of edges, yet it fits perfectly with the thousands of pieces surrounding it.
However, not having expectations about life is easier said then done. The way that we learn everything we know about life is by creating stereotypes and expectations. We genuinely believe that we know what would or should happen. But in truth we don’t. Not even the wisest of us can guess all of the details that determine the final outcome of an event.
The best example of this is a story about a sidewalk clown in New York City. When Silly Billy was just a boy, his mother wanted him to become a doctor or lawyer. After he graduated from college he dressed himself up as a clown and made balloon animals on the sidewalks of New York City. His mother, wanting him to become successful, was disappointed in her son’s choices. She couldn’t see how dressing up as a clown and making balloon shapes in New York could end in success.
However, because Silly Billy was good at making balloon shapes and playing with the crowd, one of the people watching asked if he did shows for kid’s birthday parties. By word of mouth Silly Billy got more and more kid’s parties. Eventually, the best doctors and lawyers of New York City was paying Silly Billy lots of money for his time, and Silly Billy became one of the most successful clowns in New York City. Although Silly Billy’s mom couldn’t imagine that a person dressed as a clown on the streets of New York could become a success, Silly Billy did. It probably would have been better for Silly Billy’s mom not to create those expectations for her son in the first place.
The above is a good example of why we shouldn’t create expectations about our lives and the lives of others, but what do you do once your expectations for yourself, your friends, family and life have been disappointed?
Kiki Fries 26 Director, Mental Health USA
Services
Relax and let go. The more tightly you try to hold onto/control something, the less secure it will be and the more stressed out you will be.
Estempestt 30 Animal Hospital Manager USA
Think of every problem encountered as a virtual reality game where you can go to the next level when you have found the key to the current one. The key is the lessons you learn from solving problems which in turn give you the tools to conquer the next problem.
Sandra 37 Administration Support Australia
Don't dwell on what if's. There is always someone out there worse than you are.
Diane Howard 60 Care Manager / Liaison USA
Honey, recognize your power and know you won't break. Remember this too will pass and life ain't no how permanent. Oh, take it easy with the alcohol. And surprise, surprise you will still be loved and desirable (by more than one man) at
60.
Charles Kesl 34 IT Manager USA
Chuck at 13:
Don't sweat it. These are likely the worst years of your life. Remember how things were actually FUN a few years ago? Well, wait a few more years and it'll get fun again and keep going. Oh, and know that you never really change, despite what people and books say. That's good, because after you meet a lot of people, you realize that you, yourself, are actually quite cool. Stick to your guns, because you are right all along. Be open, but know it's the others that are crazy, not you. Cheers!
Anasthasia 46 Restaurant USA
I would tell myself life gets better. You are young. A lot of things to learn... Life's obstacles. I say this because everyone's life was different. Life for me was hard.
Others had it easy, so it differs upon each story.
Meryl 50 Receiving / Accounts Clerk in USA
a Library
It gets better. You can't see the light at the end of the tunnel now, but life has so many twists and surprises. The teenage years are the worst and most difficult in your life, but sit it out. It DOES get better and it KEEPS getting better. Life is incredibly wondrous.
Aunt Flabby 62 Restaurant Manager USA
Your outlook on life should not be altered by any "hardships" that you may "THINK" you are going through at this time. Do NOT think that everyone else is so fortunate to have what they do. We ALL have problems. Learn to deal with them gracefully and if you don't depend on anyone else, then you will never be disappointed! Life is good, FEEL every heartbreak and every miracle as God gives them to you. Pray to God every day for guidance and to keep you in good health.
Lori Owens 45 Antique dealer USA
Ask for help when you need it. When I was 13, I was hungry and lacked the daily necessities of life (antiperspirant, personal feminine products, etc). I tried to "take care of" things myself without asking for help (borrowed money, hid babysitting money from my parents, stole lunches at school). I know now that a LOT of help is available and if I had spoken up it might have made a difference.
Jan 54 Telcom Analyst USA
For myself.....I truly wish I would have been aware of the fact that life is NOT always fair....nor can you count on it being fair. That's part of it's beauty. Once you've accepted the terms of life...for simply what it is...it might be easier to deal with bumps in the road....or big holes in the road.
I might also have made sure that I was aware of how important my social skills become in life. Enjoy it… find the laughter… and try not to take it all so seriously! Life is a grand place to be.
Jim 49 College Administrator USA
Bad things happen to everyone, including you. It's not what happens to you that matters, it is how you react to what happened. How you react is your choice and you have control over that.
I sustained a traumatic spinal cord injury at the age of 15 that left me paralyzed from the shoulders down.
Carol 53 Administrative Assistiant USA
You have a wonderful life ahead of you as long as you know that it is your life and your decisions that count.
No matter what has happened or is happening with your parents that was them and this is you. Don't wallow in self-pity about your family and the mistakes they have made and use it for an excuse to not take responsibility for your own life.
Make the best of your life and don't be in too much of a hurry to grow up!
Go to college! Where there is a will there is a way!
I say this because I was raised in a foster home and away from my sisters and brother who lived in another state. They were old enough to raise me with their kids and the court system mandated that I stay in the same state as my convicted felon mother. She only came to see me when she was drinking and many times she didn't come at all. My dad was almost fifty years old when I was born and he came to visit me as much as possible but it was a hard life growing up.
At the age of eighteen I married instead of going to college and began living a life that was mine. All in all it is good. I have raised three wonderful children. I have two grandchildren. I have a wonderful relationship with them all. I have been married for thirty five years to someone who cares for me. I belong to clubs and work, read and travel and have many friends. Life is good! It is mine and I make the most of it.
J.B. 40 Rock USA
Dude, as much as things rock already...they're totally gonna get better! Ah yeah, don't even worry about it, cuz the D will totally be there for you. You'll know what I'm talking about!... ROCK ON!
Frances 37 Hospital Administrator USA
Dear Self:
The best piece of advice I can give you is to quit worrying about being introverted and about your social skills. You are a wonderful person and not everyone has to talk a mile a minute or know exactly what clothes to wear when.
Why: I was a terribly introverted person constantly being pushed into leadership roles by adults. Several times between 13 and 20 I thought seriously about suicide because I just knew I would never catch up with my peers in terms of being outgoing and able to communicate well with others. Now, however, I have 3 beautiful children, a master's degree in hospital administration, a job as a personnel manager for a large department in an academic medical center, and I am someone that other people come to, to learn how to work well with others. If you had told me that 25 years ago I would never have believed you.
K.D. 27 R.D.A. Philippines
I would like to tell her: " hey cheer up! You can be whoever you want to be! Don't let anybody or anything hinder your goals!!! Find your bliss and be satisfied!!! Savor the moment because that very moment won't happen ever again. Just be yourself.
Gina Benson 43 Coordinator, University USA
Library
I would tell myself that there is a God who loves me and thinks I am the apple of his eye. He sees great worth and has awesome plans for me!!!
Why? Because when I was 13 I had very low self-esteem. I didn't feel that I was loved and looked at the future hopelessly.
Karen 38 Homemaker / Teacher Canada
It will get better.
The reason I say that is that at 13 the world looked pretty bleak to a girl with acne, no outstanding talent, horribly picked on at school and neglected and abused at home. Sure it sounds stupid to a 13yr old, but it is a truism. I lived it.
Atti2ude 44 Telecommunicator USA
Everyday above ground is a good one. At least you are here to complain about it
Kat Student
No matter how bad things get, remember that you lived through it in style.
Erin 34 Retail Booksales Australia
Don't be so hard on yourself.
Tee 75 Retired South Africa
Good judgment comes from experience; and experience comes from poor judgment.
Carolyn Bohot 65 Retired USA
What happened yesterday was a "learning experience;" look forward to tomorrow's adventure!
Why? I've tried to live that way, and it has worked!
Expectations can lead you to believe things that aren't true, but a lot of the time your expectations are correct. When I was in the second grade my teacher touched the boys in my class inappropriately. I knew that I didn't like it, but I didn't know what to do.
One day a classmate came to me to convince me to go to the principal. I first said that I wouldn't. I expected that if I did the teacher would get in trouble and that he would know that I told on him. I also feared that the principal wouldn't believe me. In spite of these expectations I went.
23 years ago in the Bahamas principals were less likely to believe such things. Back then my expectations turned out to be correct. Our principal spent 20 minutes trying to convince my friends and me that it didn't happen. After she got each of us to say that it didn't happen, we were released back to class.
However, after a week, the touching stopped. This told me that the principal went to Mr. Conklin and told him what we said. Though I was young, my negative expectations turned out to be correct. They did come true. But what I didn't count on was how the rest of my life would be affected by that one act when I was 7 years old.
Though a few negative expectations came true then, that 20-minute act of defiance has shape the rest of my life. Standing up for myself then, made it easier to stand up for myself every time since then. Because of those 20 minutes, I can now fearlessly state my opinion and stand my ground no matter who or how many people disagree with me. Ignoring my negative expectations and speaking out helped me to become more confident than all of my friends, whether they were sexually molested or not.
Since 30 year olds are not expected to always know what to do, 13 year olds aren't expected to always know what to do either. If there is anything that you are having a hard time trying to figure out, always talk to someone you can trust that has more life experience than you (Generally speaking, the more life experience, the better). The results will always be positive no matter what you think now.
A 37 Paralegal USA
If you are being sexually abused - TELL SOMEONE!
Jane 50 Bookkeeper USA
Ask for help when you need it most. Tell the truth and make people believe its true.
Keeping it inside you will eat you up.
Katharine Palacios 37 USA
I would tell my 13-year-old self to speak up! Express your thoughts and emotions. If something doesn't seem right or you don't agree, say so. Tell your parents how you feel. I give this advice because, as an adult, I've spent a couple of years in therapy learning to do just this. Had I learned to do it early on I think a whole lot of pain could have been avoided.
Sheila 41 Nurse Canada
I would tell this 13-year-old to keep telling, and talking louder and louder till she can find someone who will listen. I gave up after 5 or 10 tries and I shouldn't have. I tried to end my life instead. If I would have kept trying, I might not have.
Shilly 38 Business India
Dearest,
Remember the worst times are there to help you grow. Remember, it will all help you. And one day when the storms have settled you will feel grateful to them.
Ibutabi 33 Web Editor Australia
Yes, one day you will be dead. But now you are just beginning. You can go whichever way you want! Think about it! What do you want? Discover your power. You can use it for good. And treat the grown-ups nice. They're more scared than you.
Why: I was obsessed with and terribly sad about death and dying; pissed off at all the authoritarian adults in my life; and drifting.
Miko Honoridez 15 High School Student Canada
Pessimism and apathy aren't really great ways to get through elementary and high school. Don't non-conform simply for the sake of non-conforming.
Dustyblue 38 Mom USA
There will always be brighter days & smoother roads. Hold your head up & follow (your) dreams.
Daniel 50 Counselor, Business Owner USA
The sun is always shining somewheres.
Don 38 Electrical Design Engineer USA
Believe in your self. Trust the lessons you have learned. You will learn from your mistakes. The key is to remember the lesson.
Amy 28 Insurance & Employee USA
Benefits
My advice to me at 13 would be that everything gets better! I would let myself know that everything happens for a reason, and if I really look at my life, I am a very lucky person. Even at 13, things are pretty good! Chin up, and don't wait so long to grow my hair out, wear makeup, and date! Life is short, live every minute as if it were your last! Be ready for the future, but remember that we are not promised a long life so make the most of what you have right now! Live so that if you were to die right now, you would have no regrets!!
Emilia 19 Accounting USA
This is what I've learned from being on my own for so long: No matter how much you think you can do yourself, there is nothing, NOTHING wrong with asking for help. Humility is a beautiful thing. After all, we're all human, right?
Derek Retired England
No matter how tough life seems today, by tomorrow it will all be behind you and you are the winner.
Vicki 31 Liability Insurance USA
If I could give my thirteen-year-old self-advice I would tell her these two things:
Always remember the clichés "This too shall pass" and "Tomorrow is another day". I needed advice like this while suffering from depression and weight loss when my parents split (a month after I turned 13).
Needlessly upset 57 Profesional USA
Don't be lastingly upset by events in history. Focus on the good happenings of mankind and let the bad go. I had recurring bad thoughts about what I read about history in wartime.
Diane 50 Bookkeeper / Secretary USA
You finally are a teenager! Don't you daydream that your adventures will be like the Archie (& Betty & Veronica) comics that you read every month? Life is interesting and fun and you are learning a lot at this stage. Sometimes, though, life gets a little tough; beyond your control. Remember (and really try hard to remember) that you are beautiful and smart. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise.
Be optimistic!
D. Perstil 41 Maintainance Engineer USA
You must be willing to take responsibility for all your actions. Admit your part in the actions that yield undesirable results. Your greatest pains in life will derive from individuals (close to you) who cannot or will not accept responsibility for their action.
WHY: The greatest peace any human being could ever know, will come from this behavior. You will, beyond a doubt, come in contact with a Higher Power, which will become your foundation through life and all eternity.
Paul 39 English Teacher England
You feel bad now but you have a long way to go and cannot imagine what life really holds in store for you. You will find your way even if that means years of feeling like a failure. I could give you tips on how to succeed or to get the things you feel you need more quickly. But that is not what real success is. It's not a completion of a race. Really! You will slowly find your own way and through frustration, failure, and pain you will realize that you do have all you need to be happy.
Problems are fine. Mistakes are fine. Nothing is wasted. You will one day be amazed to realize that whoever you are is just perfect. It isn't necessary to be any different or to have done any better. I'm sorry I can't explain it better. I love you and you deserve it.
The human body is a machine. Like a car, we put fuel into our body, a chemical process happens and the unused parts of the fuel are expelled. Even the most broken body is more impressive than any machine created by man. No two bodies are alike, not even twins, yet almost all of them work with a tremendous amount of success.
It is those differences, mixed in with where and with whom we live with that makes us become who we are. Many times those differences make us feel bad. But it is amazing how often those bad feelings lead to our greatest successes in life.
The thing that caused me the most amount of embarrassment in elementary school was when my teachers asked me to read aloud in class. I didn’t know it at the time, but I had a reading disorder caused by my body’s design. It takes a moment longer for my brain to recognize a written word than it does for most people.
The result was that I read much slower than everyone else in my class. And often when I tried to speed my reading up, I received further embarrassment when the other kids or my teacher corrected the many words that I read incorrectly. It took me many years to get over the embarrassment that I faced as a kid because of my reading, but today I am a writer. I was considered very good at many other things, yet because of my body’s design I am the best at something that made me feel the worst as a kid.
Another example is my brother who, much to the annoyance of his teachers and other adults, was a hyperactive child. My brother’s body processed sugar and other foods differently. His hyperactivity caused him to get into a lot of trouble as a kid, but later when he became a truly incredible natural athlete, those same adults cheered as he broke records.
The most extreme example of this is Dr. Stephen Hawkins. Many people consider him the smartest man alive. Could he have gotten so smart because his body is almost completely paralyzed? His body wasn’t always paralyzed, but one can guess that because his body never worked well, he spent more time by himself thinking than he did with friends or playing sports. He must have felt incredibly bad as a kid not fitting in with everyone else, but the result is one of the greatest minds alive today.
I give these examples to explain that we shouldn’t be so quick to be like everyone else and to feel good. On the other hand, sometimes we feel so bad that it interferes with our schoolwork, the way we interact with friends and our life in general. This is when some changes should be made.
All of us feel bad at one point or another. And it isn’t a bad thing if it only lasts for a day, or even as long as a month. However, feeling bad becomes more of a problem if it last months. When feeling bad lasts months, it is referred to as depression.
The body has a great way of helping us when we are stressed out or feeling bad. What the body does is release a chemical that that helps us deal with stress. One of the things that this chemical does is cause the body to release feel good juices (serotonin). These chemicals usually help us to feel better. This system works well except when the situation that’s making us feel bad won’t go away.
When the stressful situation won’t go away our bodies continue to produce the stress chemical and the feel good juices. However, 2 out of 5 people’s body’s react differently. Some of our bodies decide that too much of the feel good juices are bad for our health and our bodies decide to accept a smaller amount.
Your brain responds to this smaller amount by producing more feel good juices and your body responds by accepting even less. Without the feel good juices helping you through the stressful situation, you begin to believe that you will never feel better again. You feel like you have less energy. You either stopping eating or eat too much. Things that use to be fun no long feel fun. And you may start to think very negatively about your life.
Once you get into this state it is very hard to get out of. Surprisingly, getting more sleep is the first thing that you should try. Seven to eight hours of sleep a night is the amount that you should be aiming for. Dreaming actually helps you deal with stressful situations and not getting enough sleep puts you even more on edge.
Paul 21 MIT student USA
If things are feeling really terrible and you are about to freak out, take a deep breath and just relax. Life has its ups and downs. You have to realize that. But don't be lazy. Be constructive with your time. You are only young once.
William 49 Physican USA
Every little thing that happens now does not make a permanent imprint on your life. You'll have multiple opportunities to change. Learn to relax and enjoy the moment. Youth is short. Listen more than you talk. Love is forever.
Me 26 Self-Employed USA
You've got a great sense of humor kid. Don't let go of it. There's gonna be some crappy times ahead, just push on through. And alcoholism runs in the family.
Patty S. 42 Administrative Assistant USA
You are very special. God made you that way. He loves you and will never leave you. Don't leave Him. Find out what your gifts and talents are and use them to the best of your ability. Don't try and fill the void in your life with men or drugs. I didn't feel very loved or special growing up and tried to fill that with guys, alcohol, etc.
Pamela 41 Student USA
I would try to let myself know that there is more to aspire to than what was in front of me at the moment. I thought my Junior High school and the people in it was an accurate example of the rest of the world. Out of frustration and a low self worth I went down a harmful path...drugs and alcohol...so I would say "enjoy who you are right now and don't worry so much about where you are...that will change."
Pam 42 Social Worker USA
When things feel totally overwhelming; do not act rashly. Wait for a few hours or if you can a few days before acting on your first impulse. Time has a way of showing us the better answer to our dilemmas
Helen Carter 52 Registered Rehabilitation Canada
Professional
My Mother was dying from cancer when I was 13. My advice is that if your mother is dying (at anytime, as the sooner the better) find someone to talk to, even if you think that's not cool. You have the opportunity to deal with it in the now and not have to deal with it later in life. What a gift you would give yourself.
Barbara 35 Film Editor Switzerland
You're sad, not because it's raining today and not because it's Sunday...this is the way you are and always will be.
Anne 47 Administrative Assistant USA
It is okay to share your sadness with a trusted person...you don't have to carry it all yourself, the load is too heavy when you are young.
Alone 46 School Secretary USA
I would have shared with someone that I was having problems controlling certain behaviors. Later on I found out I have obsessive-compulsive disorder. I didn't find out what it was until I was in my 30's. I just thought I was a bit crazy as a child. The advice I would give my 13-year-old self is to find someone you can talk to. Don't keep those kinds of major troubles to yourself. There is usually someone who can help you and will.
Lucy 51 Information Technician USA
Manager
This is serious advice about a serious problem. I hope it doesn't scare you. I'm posting it because many 13 year olds today have problems just as bad as I had or worse. I'd like to give them any help I can.
If I could talk to my 13-year-old self I'd be there next to my hospital bed when I woke up from my suicide attempt. The first thing I'd say is, "I understand." Life is too painful to bear sometimes, and there doesn't seem to be any relief from the pain but a permanent end to all feeling.
You're afraid of what will happen next. You're afraid you'll be locked up in a prison-like mental hospital. You're afraid your friends will find out and make fun of you. You've seen them make fun of crazy people. You know what won't happen.
You won't become the perfect daughter who can keep your parents from fighting or keep your Mom from getting so angry she yells at you and beats you.
Here's what will happen. Because your parents love you, even though they don't know how to do it well sometimes, they'll get you help and they'll try to help themselves be more supportive parents. Counseling will keep you going until you can leave home and get away from the stress. You'll go to college away from home and find that you'll still be depressed, sometimes deeply depressed. But there will be bright, beautiful mornings you'll be glad you survived this suicide attempt to enjoy life too. The mood ups and downs will always be there, and eventually you'll find out the mood swings are caused by an illness called bipolar mood disorder. It wasn't your parent’s fault or your fault. It was in your genes when you were born like your blue eyes. You'll find many ways to cope with depression. Someday, there will be medication that will help regulate your moods and that will make life easier.
You'll struggle, and you'll get by just like everyone else in the world. Sometimes when you're depressed you'll wonder who you might have been without this illness. You'll imagine you'd have been more successful or happy, and you'll envy people you think are more successful than you. When that happens remind yourself that you started from a different place than anyone else, and you are successful on your terms. You're alive, working, and you have a wonderful marriage. That's enough success and happiness for anyone with or without a serious illness.
Remember you are loved. You'll think people only love you because they don't know you well enough to think as little of you as you think of yourself. You're wrong. You have more trouble with forgiveness and acceptance than most people have. People don't stop loving you because you lose your temper, take stupid risks or forget appointments, which are things people with bipolar mood disorder, are inclined to do. They forgive you and accept your faults just like you forgave your Mom for all the yelling and hitting she did to you.
Forgive yourself. Accept yourself and do the best you can. Sometimes the best you can do won't be much. That's ok. Just sit and cry if that's all you can do for a while. By waking up here in the hospital, you've learned that it isn't easy to escape the pain of living by dying. You may not even have much of a choice but to live. So live with hope. A change for the better is always possible. And no matter how bad you feel, you can always hang on just a little longer until you feel better.
There are people of any age that would be surprised to know that scientists have studied prayer. Dr. Larry Dossey is a physician that created an experiment to study prayer. He asked a group of people who believed that prayer can heal to pray for only half of his patients. Without knowing which ones were being prayed for, he measured how quickly all of his patients healed. It turned out that the patients that were prayed for healed significantly faster than his patients that weren't being prayed for.
There have been other scientists that have studied similar things. Everything that exists is made up of very small objects called atoms. It turns out that the same way that a chair can be broken down into atoms; atoms can be broken down into smaller and smaller things.
The smallest things known to exist are called spin. They are called spin because like the earth on its axis they spin. Spin never exist alone, they always have a twin. One twin spins in one direction and the other twin spins in the other direction.
It turns out that spin acts in a very strange way, because whatever direction the scientists decide they want the spin to spin in, it does. It is like choosing an number and rolling a pair of dice and allows rolling that number. The crazy thing is that everything that exists is made up of atoms, atoms are made up of spin and we can control spin with the power of our minds. So, even if in just a small way, we can control everything that exists with the power of our minds. This is the type of things that superheroes do and we all do it everyday.
These two examples do not show that one religion or belief system is better than another. But what they do show is that there is a part of us that has the ability to communicate and change the people and things around us. That part of us is called the spirit.
What all this means is that your thoughts and feelings help to create the world around you. If you believe that negative things will happen to you, chances are that negative things will happen to you. If you believe that positive things will happen to you then more positive things will happen to you than if you didn't believe it. Unfortunately, what this also means is that if the people around you are thinking and feeling negative things about you, more negative things will happen to you.
There is a limit to what we can change with the power of our mind. No matter how hard we try and how many people try it, we could never get the earth to stop spinning. But there are so many everyday events that are determined by someone turning their head, or making a casual decision, that with enough time and positive thoughts you could change your whole life. Don't mistake this for make-believe; this is based on scientific facts.
Michael 46 Firefighter USA
When I was 13, I had no clue that I could control anything affecting my life. I thought things just happened to people and life would never change. Now I would tell someone at that age to believe in themselves (everyone has some good qualities) and even if you feel overwhelmed by all the unknown decisions you will make in the future, the best advice is to remember that you have total control over your attitude. You can't always predict what comes your way, but you CAN decide how to react. Keep a positive attitude and even the most negative things will seem less of a problem. The person, who decides to face problems with a smile, usually will find that other people will want to be their friends too! Nobody wants to hang around with depressed kids.
Vionnette 44 Government Puerto Rico
Look into your Inner Self and heal everything. Be happy. You deserve happiness, prosperity and life.
Rosie 55 Education Administrator Canada
Use positive language when speaking to yourself. Never berate yourself. Move on and know that you can do better.
Marianne 44 Computer Systems Analyst USA
Be as kind to yourself as you are to others. Extend to yourself the same patience and emphasis of the positive that you know is right to extend to others. You are worthwhile, too! Also, God really, really loves you. And He knows you're trying hard.
C 34 USA
Pray, learn your faith and go to confession. Following God will bring you the peace and hope you seek. Your problems won't go away, but He will help you deal with them as they come. Doing this you would have avoided much of what you are now agonizing over.
Dorothy Mensinger 51 Accounting USA
If you let your loneliness bring you closer to Christ, then it's the best gift you could ever receive. You are never alone if you let Jesus be your friend. When you rely on him, EVERYTHING is small stuff and not worth worrying about.
E 21 Student Ireland
Try not to think about it.
Lainey 36 Administration USA
Believe in yourself and don't let the world get you down.
Masked Angel 38 Administrative Assistant USA
I would tell myself, not to take life so dramatically through my teenage years and enjoy them. Smile and have some true fun as tomorrow will come no matter what seems to be happening today.
Jenny Petto 47 Clinical Nurse Consultant Australia
Believe that it will all work out in the long run. When it seems the darkest it usually is. It gets better. And as you mature, the problems of the past seem insignificant.
Think back. How often do you sit and remember your problems? How often do you delight in remembering the good things?
Sandi 48 Mom USA
Everybody feels unloved and not good enough at one time or another. Don't let that keep you from achieving your dream. Seek what God wants for your life and don't let ANYONE tell you that you can't.
Michael Vasovski 25 Camera Technician USA
Search out your spiritual whatever. Cling on to it. Put your faith in it and give it your problems and your praise. It is the only thing that will keep you grounded. It is the only thing that will help you make sense of this crazy world.
The most memorable thing that happened to me when I was 13 started one day on my way to school. I was living in the Bahamas at the time and it was the rainy season. I remember that it rained throughout the night and a little during the morning.
Rainbows are common sights in the Bahamas, but generally they occur during midday and the afternoon. There were two things that I was told about rainbows: The first I probably heard from my father. He told me that leprechauns hid their pot of gold at the end of rainbows. This hardly seemed likely to me at the time. But after he told me, I saw leprechauns on a lot of TV shows and movies. There was also a popular breakfast cereal where the animated, leprechaun spokesperson hid his pot of treasure at the end of rainbows. The idea that there’s gold at the end of rainbows is far-fetched, but if enough people say it, you have to wonder if it’s possible.
The second thing that I had heard came from my fifth grade teacher. Mr. Bolz once started our science lesson with the question “does anyone know why rainbows have different colors.” We were ten. We didn’t know. He told us that when light passes through a thick, clear material, the light of the sun is split apart into the colors of the rainbow. To demonstrate his point he took us over to the windows that lined the classroom.
He made each of us take turns standing at an angle to the panes of glass. When we did, amazingly, a rainbow appeared within the glass. Mr. Bolz explained that as the light passed through the glass, it was split apart. The red appeared at the top of the rainbow because red light travels at the lowest frequency. The bluer colors appeared at the bottom of the rainbow because blue light travels at the higher frequencies. At the time, I found it very interesting.
Mr. Bolz said something else that has stuck with me. He explained that rainbows are an illusion of light. They don’t really exist in a particular place. The faster you walk toward them, the faster they move away. Mr. Bolz also said that because they are only illusions, they don’t actually touch the ground. Well, that destroyed all of my fantasizes about finding a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. I had already spent most of the money too. Oh well.
On this particular day during my 13th year, my mother was driving me to school. I was the first one to notice that there was a huge rainbow in the sky in front of us. It seemed closer than any I had ever seen. Not only that, but there was a second rainbow higher in the sky. This was a truly unusual day because I had never before seen two rainbows at once. I didn’t even know that it was possible.
As amazing as it was that there were two, the big one drew most of my attention. The big rainbow seemed unusually close. It seemed as though it straddled the island, touching down on the northern and southern sides. It was then when I remembered that rainbows were illusions of light, and that they didn’t really touch the ground. But even after I remembered the science, I couldn’t help but fantasize about the leprechauns and their hidden pots of gold.
As the sun burned away the morning dew the distant rainbow faded away. Within a few minutes of its disappearance, the other rainbow, the big rainbow, did something that I had never seen before. It appeared to bend. Right before my eyes the two ends of the rainbow rushed toward each other creating the shape of a horseshoe.
It was amazing to see. Now the ends of the rainbow seemed as though they were right there. The ends seemed to have stopped just a mile or two away. Surely this was the closest that anyone had ever felt to a rainbow. All of the hundreds of rainbows that I had seen had all appeared going from one cloud to the other. I never before saw one that looked like it touched the ground.
When I got to school I threw my bag on the concrete bench in front of my classroom. I went over to a friend and told her the story of the two rainbows. She seemed unimpressed. I didn’t understand why until another friend came over and asked, “Did you see it?” I asked him what he was referring to and as a response he led me to the end of the classroom block.
Because of the climate in the Bahamas all of the classrooms of my grade 7 through 12 high school were arranged like rows of strip malls. Each classroom opened up to an extended sidewalk protected by a large overhang. My eighth grade homeroom was almost at the end of the block. Beyond the block was St. Mary’s field.
St. Mary’s field was an open grassy area that had a track, and softball diamond on it. Because of the wear and tear that 1000 students would put on the grass, St. Mary’s field was off limits to all students except during physical education class. To go onto the field was to risk detention and the word detention was enough to keep me from treading on the grass.
When my friend walked me to the end of the block, I saw something that I never imagined possible. The rainbow that my mother and I saw, the rainbow that seemed to touch ground only a few miles away did have an end. The big horseshoe rainbow had ended right at the edge of St. Mary’s field. Mr. Bolz was wrong. Rainbows aren’t an illusion of light. They are real things that have a beginning and an end. I stood and stared for a few minutes. It seemed so amazing. 300 feet in front of me was the subject of hundreds of years of mythology. It was real.
I watched as some of the kids from the ninth grade walked over to it. Out of the hundred students that saw it, these were the only six kids that had gone out to explore. The problem was that it was on St. Mary’s field. There was an invisible barrier that surrounded the field and threatened detention to anyone who ventured further.
I watched as about four more students walked over to it. They all stopped at the same spot. I assumed that this meant that the rainbow didn’t move away as they got closer. Obviously the rainbow had locked itself to that spot on the field. It had ended there, but there was no telling how long it would stay.
“Let’s go over to it,” said my friend. “No,” I replied. After all it was against the rules. My friend understood my hesitation and pointed out that the other kids had gone. I said that I wouldn’t and my friend decided to go anyway, taking other friends along.
I couldn’t understand what I was afraid of. I knew that this was a once in a lifetime experience and the opportunity could be gone at any minute. I had an overwhelming desire to stay within the rules, but before I knew it I was running onto the field to catch up. Now that I had decided to go, I was afraid that I had waited to long. I was afraid that my hesitation had cost me an irreplaceable experience.
Still, I walked forward never taking my eyes off of the rainbow. It didn’t seem to move. My mind raced with possibilities: from not being able to see it once I got within it, to being transported to a magical land. All things became possible in the moments before I got to the rainbow. What science class had taught me to expect had turned out to be false. And now, with no expectations, I was open to all possibilities and all experiences.
As I stepped within the rainbow’s boundaries, it didn’t disappear. I discovered that it had width, length and breath. The color red had its own section. I could stand in the red. It was as if the dew in the air had turned red and danced around me.
The other colors were less distinct. It was hard to tell where the red stopped and the orange began. The orange was harder to see on the mist. I could barely make out the yellow at all. When I was at a distance, all of the colors were bright and clear, but standing inside of it, the yellow almost disappeared.
The only other colors that I could make out were the green and blue. I am sure that the green bush behind it helped the green, and the blue section looked sort of the way florescent overhead lights do. The section looked pretty normal except there was a blue tinge to it.
Overall, the rainbow covered about an 8-foot by 12-foot area of the field. And, as I remember, the colors didn’t line up in front of each other. When people draw rainbows, they do it so that one color seems to sit on top of the next. That would seem correct because when we see a rainbow it looks flat. But when you look at the edge of a rainbow, you can see more than just red. You see all of the colors. This must mean that the colors shoot off from the red at a 45-degree angle. That way you see all of the colors when you look at it head on, and you see all of the colors if you are one of the few people to ever see a rainbow from its edge.
I walked around in the rainbow for a couple of minutes. It smelled like the morning air and tasted like mist. When I had absorbed the experience completely, my friends and I walked away. There was no need to stay there any longer. I had captured the experience and there was no way I would forget it.
We walked back to our block and continued to keep the rainbow in sight. In a few minutes the end of the rainbow started to move. At the speed of a jogger, it moved to the edge of the field and then through the bush. We continued to look back at the rainbow through spurts of conversation, and we all saw when it eventually faded away.
For me, the most important part of that story occurred while I walked toward the rainbow. It was then when one of my expectations about the world was proven false. I had trusted that what I had been told was true, but it wasn’t. It was then that I realized that we sometimes get incorrect information from people that we trust. Now I realize that our understanding about our selves, our friends and our world continue to change throughout our entire lives. I also realized that incredible experiences are possible when we let go of our expectations and allow all things to be possible I didn’t know that at 13, but I was learning it.